Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Meditation

New Year Resolutions

There are so many memes on FB every year about not doing resolutions.  Some are funny and some are grouchy, but mostly they all have the theme that making new year’s resolutions is pointless, stupid, and a waste of time.

For people that feel this way, more power to you. I’m glad you are happy with yourself and your life – way to be awesome!  For me, I love the idea of new year’s resolutions because they feel like a new way to get life back on track or a good way to introduce some new, good habits into our lives.

I often make the same if not similar new year’s resolutions and I think they are pretty average and normal for a middle aged woman: eat healthier, exercise more (although this year it is dance more because dancing is fun and exercise is torture), meditate more during work days, and blog more.

I’m positive that those resolutions were on the 2018 list, too, in some form or another.  Clearly, last year I failed miserably at all of the above, but honestly, 2018 was a year where surviving was the main goal.  I dropped out of most of my activities because the social anxiety and depression made it too difficult to go out and about, and unless Will dragged me out, I barely did anything this year outside of family, work, and home.  My depression hit a new low, which was pretty miserable, so not dying seemed like the main thing I accomplished in 2018 and I’m ok with that.  Sometimes with invisible illnesses not dying is all you can do.

Since I successfully survived 2018, I can try to make 2019 a new, fantastic year.  As long as I am still alive, I have the chance to reinvent myself or at least attempt to make improvements.  Resolutions are simply focusing on those goals in order to try once again to grow and/or improve myself and my life.  And yes, most resolutions tend to fail, but I failed at quitting smoking the first million times I tried – eventually, if you keep trying you will succeed.

After 2016-2018, I’m no longer going to assume that 2019 is going to be a good year simply because the previous year was so rough.  Clearly, that is not a yardstick to measure by during the Trump regime, but I am hoping that even if the year itself is not better that I can be better.  I can be the version of myself that focuses on living life well instead of merely surviving it.

Posted in Depression, Uncategorized

Dealing with Anxiety

I deal with anxiety by engaging in the familiar.  My husband hates spoilers, but I love them – I don’t have to be anxious about the outcome of a fictional story if I have spoilers.  This also part of why I watch television shows and read books several times.  It’s soothing, comforting, and every time I re-read or re-watch, I catch something new and interesting.

It helps distract me from my brain, which lately has not been an ally.

Meanwhile, my husband needs new stimuli for distraction.  So, figuring out a middle ground there has been a challenge.  We’ve been watching the Netflix version of “A Series of Unfortunate Events” which is zany enough, my anxiety alarms (over nothing, stupid brain chemicals!  grr) don’t go blaring and make it unenjoyable.

I’ve also switched a lot of my online time to Twitter over Facebook.  There’s much more to distract me, and even though there’s still all of the terrible Trump news there’s also a lot of humor, a lot of support, and a lot of fandoms.  In one day, one of my favorite actresses liked a post I made, and I got to watch another show’s star deal with a whiny dog.  That has never happened on Facebook.  Small things.

There’s no real point to this post, just thoughts meandering.

Posted in Crossfit, Depression, Yoga

Fun and Anxiety

Today at Crossfit was a lot of fun.  It was a WoD that mostly played to my strengths and I beat Will’s time by 3 minutes-ish, so I was pretty pleased with myself on that front.  I really like weights, so most of the WoDs involving weights are going to be ones I like, as was the case today.  After last week being difficult, it was nice to know I hadn’t lost my Crossfit mojo.

Mondays are my day off.  I have a pretty flexible schedule as a freelance writer and as a tarot reader (I have like 50 jobs currently).  I realized early on that I needed to set aside one day for myself where I didn’t deal with work.  I still sometimes end up conducting interviews, checking emails, making appointments and other things here and there on a Monday, but fundamentally it is my day off.  Downtime.

Sometimes I deal well with downtime, and sometimes my free floating anxiety attaches to whatever it can and makes for a miserable day.  Today has been when one of those days where my brain is spinning out on me, worried about things that either do not matter or are out of my control.  I’ve meditated, I’ve tried reading, and I’ve tried a few other tricks I know, but to no avail.  The worst thing for me is having to wait to move on things.  There are a lot of things I could do, but most of them have to be done tomorrow.  I need to have something to think about, something to do.  I finally decided to bug Will with it – his own fault, he asked me what I was up to and I was currently up to making myself anxious over trifles.  He suggested we go for a run.

Well, yeah.  Duh.  I think this is part of why I need him around (don’t tell him that, though, it will merely feed his rather large ego).  He thinks of things that are obvious and good solutions, but that I would not come up with myself as I am sitting in the throes of anxious-over-nothing.  Do I know that doing something physical will help me?  Yes.  Is it one of the things I try to do when I am dealing with a misbehaving brain?  No.  The exercise thing is still too new a concept for me to apply it to my daily life readily.

That is going to change.

We didn’t run far.  Basically we did a loop around the half block here, so not very far at all, however the anxiety is gone.  Will kept pace with me, walked when I walked (although I did run over half of it), and generally had me laughing by the time we got back home.   Running around the block has been his go-to exercise for a few weeks now for when he is sleepy, bored, annoyed, or whatever other unpleasant emotion is plaguing him.  I think that I am done talking about maybe joining sometime (I could make that vaguer, right?) and at the point where I am just going to go with him when he goes.  It does not take long to run (or run/walk) around the block.  Also, I will be able to chart my progress as I know our block very well.  If I do this often enough, maybe running won’t be such a huge ordeal.  Today it was kind of fun.  First the half block, then the whole block, and as I get one section down to running nonstop, I can add more.

Depression and anxiety are two things I am very familiar with dealing with as I have had both since high school, maybe longer.  I have a made the conscious effort to do Crossfit three times a week and yoga twice a week because that is a good pre-emptive strike at depression and anxiety.  On days where I do physical activity that is strenuous, I tend to be happy and less prone to anxiety.  Considering today was a Crossfit day, I should not technically even be having the anxiety issues, but there are always exceptions.  I have a whole bag of tricks that I use to nullify their influence in my life, but I just realized that most of those tricks are sedentary in nature.  Exercise is a new trick that works really well and almost instantaneously.  I just need to remember exercise and use it more often.