Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Politics

Viruses Suck For Everyone

Social media is beset with whiners and crazy people.  I live in Illinois, where Gov. Pritzker has done an excellent job of keeping Illinoisans alive, in spite of their objections and stupidity.  Now that he has unveiled the stages of opening up the state, people are acting like he has murdered their children.

Ya’ll know he didn’t make the virus, right?  He’s just listening to the experts and following the model of damn near every other country trying to fight the virus.

None of this should need to be said, but as the stupidity of the general populace continues to surprise and overwhelm me, I’ll say it anyway:

  • Pritzker isn’t in charge of the virus.  He didn’t make it.  He isn’t “keeping you home” he is asking you to stay home.  He isn’t “forcing you to wear a face mask” he is asking you to wear one.  When someone asks you to do something while saying repeatedly that they are not going to mandate police crack down on it, then where is the force?  Ya’ll aren’t listening and why do you have to act like you are oppressed here?  Literally, he is asking you to try to not fucking murder your friends and neighbors.  And you hate him for making a request?  A REQUEST?!? You aren’t showing your patriotism here by refusing, you are showing your complete disregard for others and your inability to listen and understand words.
  • This all sucks for everyone for the most part.  It sucks for everyone in different ways, but it still sucks for everyone.  You aren’t special or alone in this sucking.
  • None of this is about you.  Other than having to be a considerate member of society, none of these guidelines target anyone specifically.  They target the virus.  The virus that is killing people, including health care workers.
  • Your religious freedom isn’t being infringed upon because you aren’t allowed to go into a packed church and breathe in and out all of the germs therein.  You know they are doing online services now?  You can attend church online and not MURDER the other people there.  While there is a lot of misinformation out there, like some places say that social distancing should be 20 feet not 6, almost all of the information supports large groups equal large amount of people infected.  I’m honestly surprised at how many people hate their church families so much they want them all to die this way.  Even Southern Illinois’ very own Teri Bryant thinks that this infringes on her freedom.  I had no idea she was so stupid and so partisan or that she wanted her constituents dead, but here we are in the worst timeline where everyone is relentlessly evil for no fucking reason.
  • Making this political is getting people killed.  Every person that whines about masks or not being able to be a barfly or social distancing or what the fuck ever seem to be doing so from a weirdly political stance.  Covid kills Democrats, Republicans, non voters, and everyone else in the same way.  Did you know that it is even killing people who aren’t Americans and have NOTHING to do with our politics?  This is beyond stupidity.  At this point, all of these fools are making the stay at home order longer, so I completely blame them.
  • Compliance in public health isn’t an issue of freedom it is an issue of a functioning society.  Your individual needs are not more important than someone’s life, even if that person has different politics from you.  That’s why murder is illegal.  The people making this political are literally getting people killed.  Yeah, Teri Bryant, that includes you, you stupid little fool.
  • You hate Pritkzer and how he wants to keep his constituents alive so you are going to move.  FUCKING MOVE ALREADY.  I hear you all talking about moving, but instead you sit here and bitch and do nothing productive.  Either move already or shut the fuck up.  The more of you people that move the better.  Missouri is open, go there.  I hear Iowa is open, too.  Bye.
  • Lots of other countries wear face masks during outbreaks of various things.  It isn’t a big deal.  I’m asthmatic, I get anxiety attacks, and I hate confined spaces, but I figure drowning in my own lungs is worse, so I’ll just suck it up and wear one.  Also, if I am some asymptomatic carrier, I would be completely and totally devastated if I unwittingly gave this to someone else, especially if that resulted in their death and wearing a mask helps prevent this.  Also, there are actually a lot of really cute masks out there.  This doesn’t have to be awful – you are just making it that way.  You are supposed to make lemonade with lemons, not squirt them into your own eyes.
  • Normal doesn’t exist anymore so stop talking about “getting back” to normal.  Any semblance of “normal” is going to be 2021 or later, if then.  We have discovered through this that companies can work remotely, children can learn remotely, and that our supply chain is more vulnerable than previously imagined.  Remember all of the rules, regulations, and crap that went into effect after 9/11?  Patriot act, anyone?  Only 3000 people died in the attacks on the twin towers.  We are losing that number of people EVERY DAY.  And rising. If you don’t think that alone will prompt some new legislation, new normals,  and new ways of looking at and doing things, you are not paying attention.
  • Fuck the economy.  If we are to believe that capitalism works, then LET THE BIG CORPORATIONS FAIL.  If we lose some big corporations that might suck for a while, but people will fill that void.  That is how capitalism is supposed to work.  The CDC mentioned masks one day, and my entire FB feed was full of different ones to buy or order that same week.  If we’d just stop pouring all of this money into businesses that clearly can’t sustain a workable model. then we’d see a lot more individuals and small businesses coming up in the wreckage.  Instead, due to Trump and the GOP we have corporate welfare, where companies take millions/billions/trillions from taxpayers without giving anything back in return.  For all of you people out there so upset about “the economy” try to realize that for some of us, losing a family member or friend to a virus is going to have a higher priority than some corporate behemoth tanking because they don’t know how to run a business.  When you talk about the economy while 3k Americans die every day, you don’t just sound evil, you sound completely morally unhinged and beyond sociopathic.  And not to keep beating the 9/11 horse, but we were in a recession after that for YEARS.  We are having 9/11 deaths daily – do you really think that we will have a better economy than post 9/11 if people keep dying in record numbers?  We won’t.  I mean, beyond the undertakers.
  • The GOP and these big corporations have proven beyond a shadow of doubt that they don’t care about you.  They are willing to kill you, your family, your friends, your neighbors, and anyone else that gets in the way of their profit margin.  They aren’t the ones who will be working when the economy opens back up, you will be, and if you die they won’t be sad, they will just replace you.  Because they don’t care if you live or die.  You are a cog in their machine, nothing more.

There is no way around this sucking.  It sucks.  People are dying, losing jobs, losing businesses, losing their minds, etc.  It is going to be a while before you can do whatever you want to do, and I feel you, it sucks.  But it is a far sight better than the alternatives.

But keep in mind it is because of a virus, not because Pritzker is being mean to you.

Posted in Anxiety, Books, Depression, Politics

Covid and the Internet

One of the things I’ve noticed lately is an uptick of people being completely irrational online.  For example, a gif of a man walking into a cave that gets brighter was posted.  Before I google, I decide to see if a helpful soul has already explained this (light refraction) and then I thank the kind soul who already did this work for me and put a little smiley face.

She responds that I can take my sarcasm and shove it.

What?  I cannot tell you how unsnarky my comment was – I was genuinely trying to show appreciation.

People talking politics are always going to be hostile towards one another, but it has reached new levels of insanity.  I’ve tried to steer away from political discourse (not terribly successfully) and focus on the groups online that are more about cats, and funny pictures, and other things.  Because I need the distraction from worrying about if any of my family members are going to die from this.

I get that the world is basically going through the phases of grief.  I’ve tried to be respectful of it even, but I’m part of the world, too.  I get to have my own grief.

One of the things I envy about other countries is their sense of being in it together when it comes to this.  We’ve been told to wear masks to protect others, but every person in a mask gets harassed.  Why?  Other countries take public health much more seriously.  Some of them have to simply because of population density.  The US is so busy shouting FREEDOM and licking toilets that any concept of us all being in this together doesn’t exist.

There are actually people living in Southern Illinois who feel that since Covid only gets the fat and unhealthy (someone actually sad this, as if thinness somehow prevents viral infections) so they can go out as much as they want.  The fact that they are carriers doesn’t matter to them because they themselves won’t die of it.  They just don’t care if they are killing you or your family members because if they can’t get sick, who cares if anyone dies?

Related, they are all either nonvoters or Trump supporters, go figure.  And if it weren’t for the fact that they are killing other people, I’d say more power to them.  Stick your head in the sand and hopefully the virus will weed out the problem.  Except viruses don’t work that way.  Viruses don’t care about your politics, at all.

There are people who poo-poo’ed me for canceling an event on March 28th who are now crying all over Facebook about how scary the whole pandemic is.  That only happened after they were designated an “essential worker” by their company but before that designation the virus was no big deal and we should just “keep an eye on it” as if you can watch a virus that is asymptomatic for up to 14 days.  As if you can keep watch on any kind of fucking virus.  Needless to say, my pity for this person who attacked the shit out of me and is now crying in fear is nonexistent.

If you only care about a problem when it affects you directly, then I have no sympathy for you.  You don’t have any for others so you don’t get any from me.

Most of this me just rambling my frustrations.  I’ve worked from home for over a decade, so the staying in thing isn’t as difficult for me as it is for others.  The internet is my way of trying to stay in touch with humanity, but over the past two weeks, the internet hasn’t been full of people acting like we are in this together, it has been more people just being pissed and therefore in attack mode.

It’s not helpful.

I think in times where we are stressed or hurting we seek an active connection to others, but right now, I think I will find that connection in books.  People are straight trash right now and I just need a break from the constant barrage of negativity.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Meditation

New Year Resolutions

There are so many memes on FB every year about not doing resolutions.  Some are funny and some are grouchy, but mostly they all have the theme that making new year’s resolutions is pointless, stupid, and a waste of time.

For people that feel this way, more power to you. I’m glad you are happy with yourself and your life – way to be awesome!  For me, I love the idea of new year’s resolutions because they feel like a new way to get life back on track or a good way to introduce some new, good habits into our lives.

I often make the same if not similar new year’s resolutions and I think they are pretty average and normal for a middle aged woman: eat healthier, exercise more (although this year it is dance more because dancing is fun and exercise is torture), meditate more during work days, and blog more.

I’m positive that those resolutions were on the 2018 list, too, in some form or another.  Clearly, last year I failed miserably at all of the above, but honestly, 2018 was a year where surviving was the main goal.  I dropped out of most of my activities because the social anxiety and depression made it too difficult to go out and about, and unless Will dragged me out, I barely did anything this year outside of family, work, and home.  My depression hit a new low, which was pretty miserable, so not dying seemed like the main thing I accomplished in 2018 and I’m ok with that.  Sometimes with invisible illnesses not dying is all you can do.

Since I successfully survived 2018, I can try to make 2019 a new, fantastic year.  As long as I am still alive, I have the chance to reinvent myself or at least attempt to make improvements.  Resolutions are simply focusing on those goals in order to try once again to grow and/or improve myself and my life.  And yes, most resolutions tend to fail, but I failed at quitting smoking the first million times I tried – eventually, if you keep trying you will succeed.

After 2016-2018, I’m no longer going to assume that 2019 is going to be a good year simply because the previous year was so rough.  Clearly, that is not a yardstick to measure by during the Trump regime, but I am hoping that even if the year itself is not better that I can be better.  I can be the version of myself that focuses on living life well instead of merely surviving it.

Posted in Depression, Uncategorized

Dealing with Anxiety

I deal with anxiety by engaging in the familiar.  My husband hates spoilers, but I love them – I don’t have to be anxious about the outcome of a fictional story if I have spoilers.  This also part of why I watch television shows and read books several times.  It’s soothing, comforting, and every time I re-read or re-watch, I catch something new and interesting.

It helps distract me from my brain, which lately has not been an ally.

Meanwhile, my husband needs new stimuli for distraction.  So, figuring out a middle ground there has been a challenge.  We’ve been watching the Netflix version of “A Series of Unfortunate Events” which is zany enough, my anxiety alarms (over nothing, stupid brain chemicals!  grr) don’t go blaring and make it unenjoyable.

I’ve also switched a lot of my online time to Twitter over Facebook.  There’s much more to distract me, and even though there’s still all of the terrible Trump news there’s also a lot of humor, a lot of support, and a lot of fandoms.  In one day, one of my favorite actresses liked a post I made, and I got to watch another show’s star deal with a whiny dog.  That has never happened on Facebook.  Small things.

There’s no real point to this post, just thoughts meandering.

Posted in Crossfit, Depression, Yoga

Fun and Anxiety

Today at Crossfit was a lot of fun.  It was a WoD that mostly played to my strengths and I beat Will’s time by 3 minutes-ish, so I was pretty pleased with myself on that front.  I really like weights, so most of the WoDs involving weights are going to be ones I like, as was the case today.  After last week being difficult, it was nice to know I hadn’t lost my Crossfit mojo.

Mondays are my day off.  I have a pretty flexible schedule as a freelance writer and as a tarot reader (I have like 50 jobs currently).  I realized early on that I needed to set aside one day for myself where I didn’t deal with work.  I still sometimes end up conducting interviews, checking emails, making appointments and other things here and there on a Monday, but fundamentally it is my day off.  Downtime.

Sometimes I deal well with downtime, and sometimes my free floating anxiety attaches to whatever it can and makes for a miserable day.  Today has been when one of those days where my brain is spinning out on me, worried about things that either do not matter or are out of my control.  I’ve meditated, I’ve tried reading, and I’ve tried a few other tricks I know, but to no avail.  The worst thing for me is having to wait to move on things.  There are a lot of things I could do, but most of them have to be done tomorrow.  I need to have something to think about, something to do.  I finally decided to bug Will with it – his own fault, he asked me what I was up to and I was currently up to making myself anxious over trifles.  He suggested we go for a run.

Well, yeah.  Duh.  I think this is part of why I need him around (don’t tell him that, though, it will merely feed his rather large ego).  He thinks of things that are obvious and good solutions, but that I would not come up with myself as I am sitting in the throes of anxious-over-nothing.  Do I know that doing something physical will help me?  Yes.  Is it one of the things I try to do when I am dealing with a misbehaving brain?  No.  The exercise thing is still too new a concept for me to apply it to my daily life readily.

That is going to change.

We didn’t run far.  Basically we did a loop around the half block here, so not very far at all, however the anxiety is gone.  Will kept pace with me, walked when I walked (although I did run over half of it), and generally had me laughing by the time we got back home.   Running around the block has been his go-to exercise for a few weeks now for when he is sleepy, bored, annoyed, or whatever other unpleasant emotion is plaguing him.  I think that I am done talking about maybe joining sometime (I could make that vaguer, right?) and at the point where I am just going to go with him when he goes.  It does not take long to run (or run/walk) around the block.  Also, I will be able to chart my progress as I know our block very well.  If I do this often enough, maybe running won’t be such a huge ordeal.  Today it was kind of fun.  First the half block, then the whole block, and as I get one section down to running nonstop, I can add more.

Depression and anxiety are two things I am very familiar with dealing with as I have had both since high school, maybe longer.  I have a made the conscious effort to do Crossfit three times a week and yoga twice a week because that is a good pre-emptive strike at depression and anxiety.  On days where I do physical activity that is strenuous, I tend to be happy and less prone to anxiety.  Considering today was a Crossfit day, I should not technically even be having the anxiety issues, but there are always exceptions.  I have a whole bag of tricks that I use to nullify their influence in my life, but I just realized that most of those tricks are sedentary in nature.  Exercise is a new trick that works really well and almost instantaneously.  I just need to remember exercise and use it more often.